Spin-Off: Is Draco Malfoy Gay or European?
by Eau-de-Glace
Summary: It was the day of hearts, or what anyone could say that it was Valentine's Day. All the teachers were supposed to be happy, but none of them except one seemed happy. However, entertainment came in form of a red envelope to a certain blond boy. Disclaimer: I do not Harry Potter. Rated T because of mentions of gay but mostly because I'm paranoid. A collaboration with Darklight Blue.


A/N: This is a side story to Hailey Potter and the Runes of Elemental Power. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor Legally Blonde.

 _ **Gay or European Lyrics from Legally Blonde Musical**_

* * *

It was the day of hearts, or what anyone could say that it was Valentine's Day. All the teachers were supposed to be happy, but none of them except Professor Lockhart seemed happy. Professor Snape even seemed to look dangerous and extremely sour, especially when he saw Professor Lockhart. His glare seemed to be directed at Professor Lockhart's movements, and if looks could kill, he could've already used the DADA professor's ashes in one of his potions

As the students stumbled into the Great Hall, they saw the great changes in it. The Hall was heavily clad in flowers and hearts and pink, so much _pink_ , so much it was already sickening to see. A few students gagged and almost threw up exaggeratedly.

On one end of the Slytherin table, two second-year girls were chatting excitedly - not because of the sickly pink decorations, of course. A few other Slytherins were looking at them oddly but the two girls were completely oblivious to it.

Soon, Lockhart stood up and addressed everyone. As he started babbling about the nonsense idiocy of his idea of celebrating Valentine's Day, Hailey Potter looked up just as the morning owl post arrived. She grinned and nudged her best friend Harmony Pettifogger, who was just beside her. They both smirked as an red-eyed owl carrying a certain red envelope made its way down to Draco Malfoy's place and dropped it in front of Draco, right on his plate. Draco, noticing the red envelope and identifying it as a Howler, suddenly froze in his seat.

"G-g-goyle, C-c-crabbe," he nervously ordered. His minions, Goyle and Crabbe, grabbed it and tried to tear it, but the Howler was activated. Draco and the rest of the Slytherin table tried to cover their ears, expecting something to be yelling at someone, but a sweet, soft voice, accompanied with music, surprised them all.

 ** _"_** ** _There, right there!_**

 ** _Look at that tan, well-tinted skin_**

 ** _Look at the killer shape he's in_**

 ** _Look at that slightly, stubbly chin_**

 ** _Oh please, he's gay, totally gay!"_**

A mist-like hooded girl floated up to the top of the Slytherin table for everyone to see. As the girl sang, she sharply pointed a hand adorned with cloth of silver and jewelry at a certain white-blond Slytherin who was currently cowering from the music-spouting red envelope.

 _ **"I'm not about to celebrate,**_

 ** _Every trait could indicate_**

 ** _The totally straight expatriate._**

 ** _This guy's not gay, I say not gay."_**

Another mist-like girl floated up, shrugging as she lazily floated up. Her hood was down, but her hair covered her eyes. The first hooded girl looked at the other, and they looked like they were exchanging amusing glares. Draco, on the other hand, was horrified. This thing was worse than a Howler.

As the music was playing, some students were humming to the tune of the song, especially the Muggle-raised Half-bloods and the Muggle-borns. Half of the students stood up and bellowed their lines, much to the Draco's chargin.

 ** _"_** ** _That is the elephant in the room,_**

 ** _Well, is it relevant to assume_**

 ** _That a man who wears perfume_**

 ** _Is automatically, radically fey?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _But look at his cuffed and crispy locks,"_** the second mist-like girl debated, floating over to Draco and passed her hand over his hair, stressing the boy's finely-combed hair.

Draco tried to flick her hand away, but failed, as the girl was mist. "Yuck!" he quickly said as his hand went through the mist.

 ** _"_** ** _Look at his silk, translucent socks,"_** the first girl seconded, stressing on the socks that Draco was wearing.

 **"** **There's the eternal paradox**

 **Look what we're seeing"**

The second girl quickly floated back to her place and pointed at Draco, pulling the first girl to beside her by her arm.

 ** _"_** ** _What are we seeing?"_** The first girl asked, confused.

 ** _"_** ** _Is he gay?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Of course he's gay!"_** The way of the first girl exclaiming Draco's sexuality was laughed upon by almost all people in the Hall. Boos and cat calls joined in the cheer and Draco was already trying to hide under the table.

 ** _"_** ** _-or European?"_** Soon a floating boy with his face rather blurred went up and belted out the question, interrupting the two girls. Realization came over the others and they sang in chorus as they slowly looked at a certain Vincent Goyle.

 ** _"_** ** _Oh…"_** They all said and most students shrugged as they continued to sing.

 ** _"_** ** _Gay or European?_**

 ** _It's hard to guarantee,_**

 ** _If he's gay or European"_**

Goyle looked horrified as they were staring straight was him, **"** ** _Well, hey, don't look at me!"_**

Harmony stood up and sang softly as the first misty girl accompanied her with her vocals.

 ** _"_** ** _You see_**

 ** _They bring their boys up different_**

 ** _In those charming foreign ports_**

 ** _They play peculiar sports"_**

Now, the two wisps of mist belted out the lines, accompanied by Harmony and Hailey (who stood up).

 ** _"_** ** _In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!"_**

The two mist girls looked around the Great Hall as the students (who are familiar with the song) continued singing.

 ** _"_** ** _Gay or foreign fella,_**

 ** _The answer could take weeks,_**

 ** _They both say things like "Ciao, Bella"_**

 ** _While they kiss you on both cheeks!"_**

 _ **"Oh please, gay–"**_ The first girl groaned.

 ** _"–_** ** _Gay or European,_**

 ** _So many shades of gray!"_**

A spell later and Blaise Zabini stood up to say his line.

 ** _"_** ** _Depending on the time of day, the French go either way."_**

Theodore Nott stood up to pull his best mate down as the students continue to sing.

 ** _"_** ** _Is he gay, or European?_**

 ** _Or-"_**

Pansy stood up as if to defend her love. " ** _-There, right there!"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Look at that condescending smirk,_**

 ** _Seen it on every guy at work._**

 ** _That is a metro-hetero jerk!  
That guy's not gay,_**

 ** _I say, NO WAY!"_**

 ** _"_** ** _That is the elephant in the room,_**

 ** _Well, is it relevant to presume_**

 ** _That a hottie in that costume,"_** the students sang in reply.

 _"_ _ **Is automatically, radically,"**_ Harmony sang loudly.

 ** _"_** ** _Ironically, chronically,"_** Hailey continued.

 ** _"_** ** _Certainly, flirtingly,"_** Pansy sang dreamily.

 ** _"_** ** _Genetically, medically,"_** Dave chortled.

Everyone stood up as they accusingly sang in Draco's direction.

 ** _"_** ** _Gay, officially gay, swishily gay_**

 ** _Gay, gay, gay-"_**

Draco, as if noticing the students' reaction, kissed Pansy's hand and she swooned.

 _"_ _ **Damn it!"**_ They all cursed as they sat down. " ** _Gay or European?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _So stylish and relaxed!"_** Hailey exclaimed.

 ** _"_** ** _Is he gay or European?"_** Everyone sang (or asked?).

 ** _"_** ** _I think his chest is waxed."_** Dave said to the Hall.

 _"_ _ **But they bring their boys up different there,**_

 ** _It's culturally diverse!_**

 ** _It's not a fashion curse_**

 ** _If he wears a kilt or bears a purse!"_** Harmony reasoned to Dave.

Everyone sang once again.

 ** _"_** ** _Gay or just exotic?  
I still can't crack the code,"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Yeah his accent is hypnotic,_**

 ** _But his shoes are pointy-toed!"_** Hermione said in a matter-of-fact tone.

 _"_ _ **Huh."**_ Everyone shrugged.

 ** _"_** ** _Gay or European?_**

 ** _So many shades of gray!"_**

 ** _"_** ** _But if he turns out straight_**

 ** _I'm free at eight on Saturday!"_** Pansy sang to everyone.

 ** _"_** ** _Is he gay or European?  
Gay or European?_**

 ** _Gay or Euro-"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Wait a minute!"_** Ron interrupted everyone, standing up.

 ** _"_** ** _Give me a chance to crack this guy,_**

 ** _I have an idea I'd like to try."_**

 ** _"_** ** _The floor is yours,"_** Dave said loudly from his seat in the Lion's table.

Ron walked around their table into the isle. **"** ** _So, Mr. Draco Malfoy, this alleged affair with Miss Parkinson has been going on for…?"_**

 ** _"_** ** _Two years."_** Draco blurted out.

 ** _"_** ** _What's your first name again?"_** Ron asked, seeming confused.

 ** _"_** ** _Draco."_**

 ** _"_** ** _And your boyfriend's name is…?"_** Ron asked, smirking. He may not like the fact that he was being pranked, he would accept any opportunity to embarrass the Slytherin Prince.

 ** _"_** ** _Harry."_**

Everyone gasps. Draco realizes what he said and tried to cover his mouth but Harmony was quicker as she quickly cast a spell at him and the blondie started coughing and spluttering.

 ** _"_** ** _I-I sorry. I misunderstand! You say boyfriend, I thought you say best friend. Harry is my… best friend."_**

 _'_ _Even the lyrics of the song agree with me,'_ Hailey smirked as smirking as she discreetly cast a spell at her brother.

 ** _"_** ** _You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it! I no cover for you, no more!"_** Harry said, standing up from his seat.

 ** _"_** ** _Peoples, I have a big announcement:_**

 ** _This man is gay AND European!"_**

 ** _"_** ** _WHOA!"_** Everyone else said.

 ** _"_** ** _And neither is disgrace,"_** He continued to everyone's _ **"Oh"**_ _._

 ** _"_** ** _You gotta stop your being_**

 ** _A completely closet case,"_** Harry sand with a pointed look in the green and silver table.

 ** _"_** ** _D'oh!_** _"_

Harry looked around the Great Hall as he sang.

 ** _"_** ** _It's me, not her, he's seeing_**

 ** _No matter what he say_**

 ** _I swear he never, ever, ever_**

 ** _Swing the other way!"_**

Harry marched up to the Slytherin table in front of Draco and pointed an accusing finger at him.

 ** _"_** ** _You are so gay_**

 ** _You big parfait_**

 ** _You flaming, one-man cabaret"_**

 ** _"_** ** _I'm straight,"_** Draco insisted.

 ** _"_** ** _You were not yesterday,"_** Harry retorted _._

 ** _"_** ** _So, if I may_**

 ** _I'm proud to say_**

 ** _He's gay"_**

 ** _"_** ** _And European."_**

 _ **"He's gay,"**_ Harry sang _._

 ** _"_** ** _And European."_**

 ** _"_** ** _Please, gay,"_** Harry found himself stepping his foot on the seat and shouting to the people the 'truth'. Somehow, he felt he was wrong, but insulting Malfoy this way seemed more right.

"The final step," Hailey nudged her best friend, who immediately and discreetly cast another small spell at the distraught Draco, "Harm, hurry!"

 ** _"_** ** _And European and gay,"_** As everyone in the room sang, Draco's hands quickly went to his throat and panic was evident in his face. He did not know what to do anymore with the embarrassment.

 ** _"_** ** _Fine, ok, I'm gay!"_** he spat out the confession-ahem-I mean-words which were part of the song.

 ** _"_** ** _Hooray!"_** The final words were sung by almost everyone in the room. The Howler, finishing its message, closed itself and burned to ashes. The three misty figures sneaked sneaky smiles at their real counterparts, bowed to the whole crowd in the Hall, and disintegrated into thin air.

Draco Malfoy, along with Harry Potter and Vincent Crabbe went red with embarrassment as the rest of the students in the Hall bursted out with laughter.

Dumbledore and Lockhart were quite surprised along with the other teachers, and they chuckled at the students. Draco Malfoy almost burned with 'shame' as he had called it, and Harry Potter madly tried to find the culprit who set him up with Draco while Ron still guffawed. He never found out.

But they didn't know that two certain Slytherin girls, although they looked tired, were still giggling at the success in their prank, hands held together.


End file.
